▼ ▼ I suck at living ▼ ▼

A new dawn, a new day, a new life.

2006-07-06T08:33:03Z

I have been quite familiar with myself the last few years and known who I wanted to be. I wanted to feel with every ounce of my being complete and genuine compassion for others, and I have structured myself to act accordingly, but it isn’t until very recently that I genuinely feel as if my ethical ideology and the application of my methodologies that coincide are being bridged. I not only know what I want to fight for, I not only know what the greater good is but I am beginning to fully breath it, and it feels great.

I have a many direct things in my life to talk about and a whole new world of opportunities for my future, but because of previous reasons I will post them in my new blog. I am glad to open up a new blog on a good note. I will send you all the address personally.

So, Goodbye blog. And on that note I hope for everyone the best, and as my final post I leave with what is to be known as my overly used quote of all time,

"Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days. An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend -- or a meaningful day." – Dalai Lama

Godspeed

I am truely blessed.

2006-07-05T10:54:52Z

My mental wellbeing, and my compassion for others is truely satisfying.

HAPPY FOURTH!

Man I am realizing my journel is getting pretty boring. Which is actually a good thing, that means I am doing pretty good because I usually pick apart stuff to a massive extent when I am depressed or something. Things are getting pretty complicated recently but really good too. I have been getting really close to some frends recently and having a really good time, I am planning Lukes going away party and it is going to be pretty fun. Plus I am in a position to have a couple of random semi romantic interests or at the very worst some good sex. I am going to make this post short, because I need to figure out some things before I post them, my site logs show Leah still reads this periodically plus she has gone on some sort of quest to abandon our mutual friends who still consider me a friend (or so I interpret). Because of specific recent events, and what seems like an interesting series of future events, I’m not going to post about what has been going on recently because I am quite sure she would feel even more justified in abandon the remaining two.

I guess it is time to open up a new Journal. I didn’t mind before, I am honest, open, compassionate and promote the wellbeing of all sentient beings… well at least I try, what is there to hide? If there is something I can do to prevent good people from hurting I will, and because of Leah’s intentions or disregard for others who care about her lately I refuse to feed the dysfunctional justification she has in hurting others and I know my Journal will begin do just that if she reads about the dimensions of my relationship with the only two remaining friends we seem to have in common.

Heh I wrote a pretty engaging and interesting post but I guess I’ll save that for another journal. We’ll See. But what really matters is I am doing great. I am getting really close with my friends and family and am having some really satisfying times. I hope life is treating everyone beautifully, including you Leah :P

Godspeed

Aw man,

2006-07-01T12:03:46Z

Holy fuck… wow.

I just had one of those nights that takes your current emotional state and shakes the shit out of it. I was at a bar with a friend and as I was walking to play a game of pool I heard someone call my name … I turn around and it’s a girl I know from high school named Jessie. When I see her my heart drops and freaks out in such a hard way I feel like I am going to fall over…

Jessie was a girl I was in a few classes with in high school although I knew her less then anyone I had ever fallen for I fell for her more then anyone I have ever known. High school was the first place that I began to religiously try to … study people. I sound crazy but I could say analyze but it was much more then that, I tried to become familiar with the nuances people emoted unintentionally, trying to read past the mask, and it was the first time in my life I really started to read people, their suffering and began cultivating my overwhelming need to help others. As strange as this interest may sound it cultivated into something very empathetic and positive. I was also at the time looking for a significant other. I had three classes with this girl but from the first few days of our first class I looked at her with a respect and appreciation that was incredibly profound. I had never heard a girl whose confident and intellectual opinion in class was voiced so effortlessly and beautifully, there was something about her humor, something about her mind, and something about her style, honesty and compassion that blended together in such a way that I didn’t just lust over her I idolized her. And it wasn’t until tonight that I realized how much that stuck with me. Throughout high school I fantasized about engaging in intellectual discussions with her, unlike anyone else I didn’t have a sexual fixation with her but it was the essence of her personality that I craved, I just wanted to know what she thought, I placed her on a pedestal of perfection, filling the gaps as to what I did not know about her. For all I know she could be stuck up, cruel etc. But I knew she wasn’t and the closer I got the more I knew that… however it was a double edged sword of my smelting; overwhelmingly intimidated by her confidence I became a babbling idiot. Every class I had with her I was hidden and withdrawn, every thing I said or did, was not just considering the perception of my actions to the class but primarily the perception of myself in her eyes. I became obsessed to the point where my nervousness and intimidation made me stumble through my words, my classes and my education. I was placed in a solo project with her in my third class with her. Groups were assigned by book choices and we picked the same book. As can be expected I stumbled through that trying to consciously decide every word prior to constructing each sentence, letting my anxiety get the best of me.

Well to the point. After high school she left, I never heard from her after our last class together, and knowing that there were some emotional struggles I inferred from her, I hoped for her the best. It still didn’t change the way I felt about her and she became my quintessential idol for what I wanted in a woman and I still fantasized about what could have been. There have been women I have fallen for but none of this scale; she was my obsession I could never attain because I felt so inferior to her.

As if it were a joke, I start chatting with her and find out it she was here for a month or two, and tomorrow she is moving to Hawaii, and as if that joke weren’t enough she invites me to come hang out at the beach with her and a few of her friends to smoke it up… meanwhile my friends are at a Denny’s a few blocks away and I am their ride. So I have to turn her down. I have her email but that won’t do me any good. I know this just sounds like a rant … and it isn’t until I reconnect with someone like her that I realize what my priorities really are. I need a beautiful person, with a beautiful mind, that I obsess about regardless of sexual interest before I try to engage in a relationship. … God I want this woman so bad it’s indefinable, unrealistic, and overwhelming, but it helps me realize that what I seek to be completely satisfied is a woman unlike most all I have known.

The only good news is I have her email address. I don’t know what to do with it. I will probably never see her again, the odds of me seeing her tonight were next to none, so I feel like I have nothing to loose, and if that is the case why don’t I just let her know or at least imply how I have felt about her. … fuck… I don’t know. To be perfectly honest the only passion I have ever had in life was love, and the person I have lusted over more then any was Jessie, so in a sense my interest in her is the strongest motivation I have had in life. … Maybe that is oversimplifying things. *Sigh* Regardless I am glad I had tonight because by reconnecting with her it rattled my expectations of the women I seek and made me realize what I need to be satisfied.

I know I sound obsessed or just overdramatic, but honestly I am not… I have never felt as mentally dedicated and emotionally obsessed with wanting someone in this way, perhaps with the exception of wanting Anna in high school… but even then…. Nothing trumps Jessie; even now I want to scream. I want to just go on one date with her… or fucking something. I feel so childish but then again I feel like I am feeling one of the only true real, honest and pure desire I have ever felt. I just want this beautiful person in my life so bad it kills me.

Um saving mice....

2006-06-19T12:16:21Z

I have been put into a moral dilemma. Most would not find this a dilemma they would brush it aside, or others would instantly be determined to do something. But I have not been in a situation as this and it is important to me to make a conscious decision because I don’t ignore things like this as most do, and it raises larger questions about life. My father found a mother mouse who was on the verge of dieing with three baby mice. He placed them in a tin and brought them home. Sick, he asked me to go to the tin and put some seeds and water inside for the mother. Upon opening I found the mother dead. Three small babies barely with any fur on them lie in the bottom of the tin right now, all three squeek but I assume cold and hunger bring their lives to a soon end. Most mice live only 3 months in the wild due to high prediction, mother mice when startled may even eat their young. Baby mice are often fed to growing snakes. The more research I do the less value we place on mice, seemingly rightfully so, and who am I to say that the life of 3 mice is worth my time, but who am I to say it isn’t. I have no aversion to an animal eating it, in fact I wish I could offer them to a wild animal, what I don’t agree on is letting 3 sentient beings die when I could save them. But then again is death not the means to supply food to so many smaller creatures?

Regardless of this very simple problem I decided to take care of them. I will raise them for the few weeks they need and let them go. Hopefully they are nourished enough until morning so I can go get them something better to feed them with, they didn’t seem to drink much at all of the formula I gave them, but hopefully it will at least hydrate them until morning. I don't know what I am to get out of saving three mice, but I try to make sure I don't live my life with any regrets, and at least at the moment I would hate to think I just sat them there to die.

Am I a hypocrite for having no remorse for swatting an insect from a higher importance I place on certain creatures and not others? One of the hardest ethical question about life is at what point do you place value in it and what point do you not. All sentient beings? Mammals? Intelligent creatures? How intelligent? Humans? Is abortion alright? Etc etc. These simple questions have plagued us forever, its hard to extract morality from such things when our nature is to embrace life and to survive, yet death and decay is so intrinsic to life.

To the best of my knowledge Tibetan Buddhism believes that all creatures have the equal right to life, and likewise the ability to attain enlightenment. However it is much easier to attain enlightenment in a more intelligent form, therefore since the soul passes through to another life form death is neither good nor bad, it is simply a step in the life cycle of all things. I often look to Buddhism for wisdom on such things, because very rarely does Buddhism not speak direct correlative truth, but in this regard Buddhism provides no help, reincarnation is one thing that while there is much debate even within Buddhism, it is held as a fundamental belief but not one that I share

Well that’s my rant… about mice. Man this shit gets more boring by the day.

P.S. I am meeting women, yay. But thats a story for another evening.

building bridges

2006-06-17T10:45:00Z

Long story to the point, I was in a local city of mine and I was drunk, my friends had walked back without remembering me, but one came back, I’lll talk about that later. The point, I was in Arcata ( the local city) and everyone I was with, including my ride had walked back without me. I was alone but I was alright, I knew I had my wits and I could find a way back home, if not back to the location I was unaware of, that my friends went to. I was walking back and forth between two locations my friends would be at and I found no one, but as I past, at a little past midnight I saw a young child on the street, hugging his knees looking at the woman who kneeled down in front of him. She said “It’s chocolate, don’t you want it?” in a frustrated tone. The boy just sat there silently and started crying. He was old enough to walk the streets homeless but he was unable to give a response but a sobbing that was message enough. A man with dreadlocks and a backpack approached, and as he did the woman picked up the backpack nearby and put it on as the three situated themselves and walked up the street. They were a family. Two people who may or may not have been homeless at the time had a child. And by the time this child was about four or so, and had no verbal means of communication, walked the street with them. I wish so much now that I was more sober. I just watched in some sort of intellectual observational fucking interest, due to my alcoholic stupor. Meanwhile, as I now realize, I had about $15 dollars in my pocket. I can only emagine how hungry each person was, and how at the end of the night, while I was looking for my friend to drive me home, they were looking for the place they could sleep, much like every night before, and hopefully they had found enough food recently to last them the next few days. The woman found chocolate and offered it to her child as a luxury, all he could do was cry. Meanwhile I stood on a corner street and watched them in my fucking alcoholic 3rd person stupor. God I so wish I could rewind time. I just want to promote the wellbeing of all sentient beings.

I had a philosophy teacher, and there was one lecture he gave about when he went to Africa to help the population of people who were without food or shelter. There was one night when he and his buddies went to a bar and went out to try to get laid. And at some point in the night he ended up alone. And he saw a woman lying in a gutter by the street full of human waste. She was a skeleton and she was barely moving. While everyone else would have walked by he walked towards her, it was past midnight and pitch black outside but he sat beside her. She was too weak to move, most likely having starved to death she laid there unable to conjur the energy to move. She fixed her eyes on him and he came closer. Realizing she was near death he sat beside her and as he realized she was to the point where she was unable to move her body he held her. He stroked her hair which was thinned and falling out as her frail fly ridden body lay lifeless in his arms. He held her for an hour or two as her eyes went lifeless. She passed away. It was at that point that he had such a profound realization of not only the mortality of life but how past all the shit in life we are all the same. We have created obominations that have separated the tie between our species and of our souls, and it was at that point that he realized how alike we all truly are. I can emagine he lives each day in memory of her. I’ve always wanted to contact him again, and get to know him, but ironically I am afraid to because of the cubicle world we live in.

I always say I am tired sitting idle while good people suffer but tonight I am earnestly thinking of envesting myself into some sort of effort to help those less fortunate. As I realize that the most beneficial motive is for the wellbeing of all sentient beings I look to efforts such as the one that brought my teacher, rabbi scharnberg, to a forking powder keg such as this and realize myself, that I embrace more efforts to promote the wellbeing of myself then I ever think to extend a hand for the wellbeing for those who need it and not only those within my direct personal life. I want to change that.

despondent_echo @ 2006-06-09T01:53:00

2006-06-09T08:53:50Z

Good day I guess.

I had a customer. It was one of those weird computer problems that I can emidiatly tell that I need to take their computer. So I took it, they didn’t look to confident but whatever. Then I went and played disk golf with Luke and we had a pretty good time, then we went to the shanty (A bar) to play some pool and met these two chicks and had a pretty good time. I was reinforced how much people welcome simple friendly interests. Both chicks seemed pretty independent in that “I’m doin my own thang” kind of way. Without real interest towards anyone else, but a simple conversation turned their personality a 180 and in reality they enjoyed a friendly conversation as much as the next person. I am finding more hope in society as a whole daily and I am surprised, I just wish the rest of the world saw it to promote a positive and enjoyable atmosphere socially as a whole. So I had a good time.

And now its 1:30 am and I am drunk. I hope life is treating everyone well.

Godspeed.

Piecing my mind together

2006-05-30T06:55:58Z

Unique visitors

Recently I have been come over with a mental ambiguity. I am beginning to not only realize but feel the truth of my ignorance in attaining a peaceful and happy life. I seek simple pleasures that are unsustainable and although I know of the existence of a place in life where these afflictions of unsatisfaction are void, it is hard to truly know thyself in such a way to abandon our fears, unwholesome dependencies, and frivolous acts to strive for something greater. Both because of how hard it is to abandon these shackles but more-so because the journey for true lifelong sustainable peace and happiness is not an obvious road.

I have begun meditation methods to focus the mind, find systematic methods to promote mental and emotional wellbeing, improve my knowledge and thus my view of life in general and strengthen the ideology so much of my day is based on. Never being one to meditate I am spending a few weeks simply on a consciousness of breathing meditation, which should help me focus. I look forward to seeing how my meditations go.

Today I did very little. I finished a newsletter for my computer repair business, which because of summer is generating a diminutive amount of revenue. Hopefully this newsletter will change a few things, plus I am going to be doing some other forms of advertising by the end of this week.

The hot girl I was interested in is making shirts for me which is cool… we’ll see how that plays out. From what little I know of her I am very intrigued and interested by her and would appreciate getting to know her better in whatever dimension, much the same as I would anyone at this point in my life.

And hopefully if everything turns out right I will be taking a camping trip with a few friends.. some time in the next month or two.

I am doing alright, I have just been thinking so much lately I feel like I am physically on the sidelines as I think about everything in my life, everything I value, everything I strive for, and everything I want to abandon.

A great end to a long day.

2006-05-19T05:45:10Z

Good day. Hung out with friends, played disk golf, drank some, etc etc cut. Lets cut to the cool shit -

There is a girl named jessica who works at a video store near me who is quite possibly the most smoking hot woman I have ever laid eyes on. I saw her at a bar I go to a couple times and when Luke in a drunken stupor went over to go talk to her and some chick she was with, I decided to go over and engage to both save them from my drunk friend and to come over and chat. After a small conversation she offered to make me some t-shirts which was cool as hell, I still haven’t brought them to her to make though. I went over to the video store tonight as an excuse to see if she was there, a guy I know pretty well and I also kick it with sometimes at a bar was working, I asked him if she was available, to which he replied “Naw man, but yknow, youd probably be next on her list dude.”

Knowing how often he and her hang out outside of work made me surprised and pretty stoked he said that, the night me and her semi chated at the bar they were both there and talkin alot but whatever. Perhaps he was just givin me dude encouragement, maybe he actually said "naw man, but yknow, I'D probably be next on her list dude." But I can tell there was more then that, and I heard him properly.. I think... I'll talk to him about it next time we're kickin it at the bar. Regardless of her relationship with whoever, I still want to get to know her, theres something about her with the exception of how georgeous she is (god she is so hot), that interests me. From what little I know about her she seems like a really compassionate person who is comfortable with herself and for some reason I sense this glow of confident intelectuality off her. Maybe I’m just filling in the gaps with what I want but I still look incredibly forward in talking to her again to hopefully get to know her better, although I talk about how attractive she is it felt rare the few conversations I had with her how personable her personality was, she was beaming with compassion, consideration, a sense of humor and style.

Her friend saying that really felt to be the catalyst of confidence I needed after what I have been going through recently. I’m available, I’m lookin, and I wont settle for anything less then my new post Leah expectations. Summer has begun and it feels pretty good being me. I just need to get the word out to the ladies. Sorry if this post was just a stupid bachelor rant, its just rare I feel as good being myself as I have recently.

despondent_echo @ 2006-05-13T00:13:00

2006-05-13T07:15:31Z

Recently in my life I have been genuinly proud to be me.

Sometimes the simplest thing can be so much more

2006-05-06T11:28:34Z

I went to the bar tonight with Luke and his weird friend and am really glad I did. Not because I had a particularly better time then I normally do but because I saw in a profound way how alone so many of us are in this world. One of our largest focuses in life is to seek acceptance and support in a world that is angry and intolerant. I saw a girl at the bar who looked like I look, interested in people, wanting people to be in my life, seeking others. While we all seek the opportunity to embrace more people in our life it is the truly desperate and lonely that have this look. I assumed since she was with a guy I know that she was taken, later that night I overheard a conversation that explained that for some reason or another she was looking for friends. It seemed like she was new to town. I didn’t realize until after I left that she tried to engage in a conversation with me, she made eye contact with me and everyone else there, not because she was a bar ho but because she was lonely and looking for someone to connect with. I met a few other women like that tonight but I realize now that I didn’t really take any steps to engage in any conversation with them, and I just do what I habitually do whenever I drink which is walk around and talk to everyone non discriminately and non engaging… I guess I just like using charisma to get attention or something. But my point was that this was one of the two girls tonight that reinforced the fact that past all of our social morays and dysfunction we all suffer from the same struggle for the healthy exchange of compassion and support from others. I really wish I had talked to this girl more. I introduced myself to her and pretty much walked away, of what I psychoanalyzed looking and overhearing her she really reminded me of me, she seemed like a really good person simply looking for a healthy mutually supporting companionship. A rarity at any bar.

The second person to make an impact in me and make me realize the problematic vices we socially perpetuate was a girl who was hanging on this guy who was apparently the cousin playing pool with me and Luke. He was dressed in leather in what seemed to not be an intimidating “I’m gonna kill you” sort of way but more of a trendy dude wearing leather sort of way. Well anyway this girl who I analyzed just recently met him was hanging on him in an “I’ve been drinking hey guy come here” sort of way. They were talking for a little bit pretty close and the guy who was playing pool against us walked up to them and said something. She said something in a non-chalant (sp?) sort of way along the lines of “hey get outa here were talking hehe.” She didn’t know who he was, she was drinking and it was in a friendly manner that’s purpose seemed solely to imply that she was enjoying her alone time with him. The guy in leather responded in a way that shocked me and effected me in a very profound way. His original response didn’t seem aggressive whatsoever “Hey, don’t tell him to get out of here this is my cousin.” To which she responded positively as it didn’t seem there was any malice in his statement. Then out of nowhere he continued, in a very aggressive way, completely dismissing the girl and bringing the smile she had put on her face to be near him to an awkward silence, “Who are you to tell him to get out of here? this is my cousin! you get the fuck out of here!”

If confronting them wouldn’t have caused more drama I would have, and if I wasn’t playing a game of pool I would have followed her and talked to her. But the main thing I can’t get out of my mind tonight was the look on her face, the look that symbolizes everything that I hate in this world, that I don’t believe in and that I hope to change in the lives of those I touch. It felt like an extreme symbol for how leah has treated me throughout our time together, with completely dysfunctional anger and intollerence.

It was this this drunk little guy in leather and the lonely girl that was just looking for one person to talk to that have motivated me in a unique way to not be afraid to become close to complete strangers. I want to be the opposite of the dysfunctional angry drunk in leather because our world has much more anger and intolerance in it then anything else, I want to be the extreme example of compassion and friendliness. We are all alone and I want to bless other people with myself.

It is a healthier way to approach interpersonal relationships anyway, tapping in to the most true and profound ideology that promoting the wellbeing of others before promoting the wellbeing of yourself will more efficiently cultivate the happiness of both yourself and them.

I wish I could do this night over. My goal for the future is to be able to more effectively engage in and bless the lives of others.

It is a lonely world and there are too many lost people who only know anger, intolerance and loneliness to cultivate anything else.

Nietzsche was a boob

2006-04-30T11:10:52Z

Nietzsche contributed nothing to ethics or philosophy.

Anyone who has any respect or belief in Nihilism is rediculous for believing in something that's logic is completly flawed by the liar paradox of "truth does not exist." And any logical variation of the beliefs behind Nihilism that through their experiences they believe cause and effect, morality, truth or life is in vein is based on a logic so weak and not backed by any logical association, directly or implied, that it is on such a speculative level that to even consider it a philosphy is absolutely rediculous.

Nihilism is a cop out to illogically answer questions regarding the nature of life and the universe by saying their is no answer or the answer is irellivent. The nature of Nihilism contradicts our qualities and desires as human beings and our natural intent to act with the intent to create an effect. Nihilism is an easy but ignorent and childish answer to life. It's false and extreme view is destructive to us as a society not to mention to oneself and hinders ones ability to construct logical and practical thoughts and decisions important to ones life.

I could go on but I wont.

In short dont be stupid. Open your mind, and find out what's worth living for.

I also figured another part of the anomole that was Leahs actions. I figured out the truth behind the sad reality of why she acted towards me the way she did, and why she doesn't truely know what love is. And the reason why when shit hit the fan she needed to only care about herself and abandon me. It was because she was afraid of me, just like she was afraid of everyone else in her past that hurt her. She never knew someone who wanted to get close to love her, she could never confide in anyone, when she wasn't doing well all she knew to do was to get rid of anyone who could hurt her and go hide in a corner until she forgot about it. It's sad... But even if I am the most compassionate person I know, no one would have been good enough. I just hope she can find it in herself to mature to a level so that the next person in her life has the oportunity to embrace her and get to know her without her distroying them in the way she did me. She doesn't understand that love should be the strength between two people to be the only thing that matters when problems occur. Alot of times I would try to calm the problem down with her by letting her know the reality of my love for her and her mine, she never understood, she would say "sometimes that's not good enough." I've heard variations of other people who say that, they are all lost. I should have known then that there was no saving her, I stuck around to try to show her the beauty she denied herself and never knew it.

I am tired of ignorent people. I am not full of myself, I base the word ignorent by those who act and speak without using any logic whatsoever or taking the time to objectivly determine the reality of a situation and not the emotional dysfunction that drives them.

I know, I know, stop talking about Leah already, In all honesty it wasn't very long after the incident that I stopped caring. I was surprised too, I think it was because she couldn't have acted any other way to make me loose more respect, interest or appreciation for her as a friend let alone another human being. I think of her with disqust and sadness that there are people such as her who choose to effect the world in the way they do.

In fact I don't really care to write about Leah right now, I'm just in an analitical mood right now.

All in all im doin pretty good. I can't wait for finals week to be over! I am going to be having a public store location sometime within the next few months most likely and I am stoked about that. Now I only need to find a part time secretary, hopefully a cute one I'll sleep with.

At least I am free from her

2006-04-18T22:22:07Z

I was driving home today and I saw a car pass me, it was Leah. She stopped at a stop sign a block ahead and I ended up stopping right alongside her. As I approached she began to fix her hair in her rearview mirror, which was what I also intended to do – sit right alongside her and ignore her. As I approached a feeling I very rarely feel arose, an animal like anger, if I were anyone else I would have acted on it, but unlike anyone else, I deciding against driving into her car or doing something else irrational such as lower the passenger window, shout “HEY”, point to her and enunciate clearly with the determination of a year of trust and love she forsaken through malice, “YOU ARE A FAT CUNT.” followed by a steady smile and unsettling laugh at any emotional response from her, I calmed myself down and realized yet again why my anger or intollerence would be in vain, because anger and intollerence are the origin of my pain.

By doing something like that I would only add to her delusion, I would create a warranted justification in her mind and I would be no less a monster then she. More importantly something like that would have been the first thing I would have done in life with true malicious intent for the sole purpose of inducing someone else’s suffering, and that would only create a cycle of malice that while she created I would support, and life is to short for anger and hatred to be in this world.

But then again this is all what she wanted, for me to hurt. And in that aspect if she reads this and it brings a smile to her face and she feels more content with her life then for that I am glad. I only hope she can see the big picture of it all so next time she will not poison the next life she brings in to her life the way she has poisoned mine, because when all is said and done I can’t imagine she is happy with herself or at the outcome of our relationship, and it would be a shame if I were not the last person to fall prey to the only dysfunction she knows of a relationship with someone. She still has a lot to learn.

Nevertheless I hope for her the best.

On a lighter note me and Brittany are getting pretty close…. I hesitate to go out with her though… I don’t think I am interested in her. After Leah I set my standards a lot higher now that I know that there are people like her in the world.

I would consider this the last straw but the camels been dead for awhile

2006-04-10T03:24:43Z

People are so fucking cruel.

I got a call from Leah, which brought a smile to my face when I saw her on caller id. She made it clear she doesn’t want to associate with me for the last 5 months ignoring me more and more, not showing up to anything I invite her to, and becoming abrasive and mean whenever I talk about my emotions. So when I saw her call me I at least was invigorated by a false since of belonging, especially when she asked if I wanted to have dinner and watch a movie with her. I knew she probably was just wanting sex, because the only time she seems to enjoy my company is when she invites me over, watch a movie, and then have sex. I didn’t mind though, at least for a night I would feel close to someone and maybe our time together would bring us closer.

I tucked her into bed which implied she wanted to have sex with me, I even asked, and she said yes. Then she asked if I have slept with anyone else while we were split up. I told her I didn’t want to talk about it but she pulled it out of me becoming emotionally overwhelmed, wanting to know if it was Megan. Being so quick to embrace the honesty I cant help embrace I told her after she seemed like she was going to rip her hair out that I did, and it was Megan.

She got up immediately, told me to leave, and let me know she never wanted to talk to me again.

Apparently all the sacrifice and love I have given in a relationship where I was neglected the return of compassion or love didn’t matter to her. She didn’t’ give a shit, like every other time she ever hurt me or was angry at me I did something that was justified and motivated by the right to happiness we all have and she didn’t care. In her own world I did something that hurt her and was at her expence, although we were split up for 5 months and she made every effort to let me know she didn’t want to be in a romantic relationship with me anymore. It’s so fucking childish. Am I the only person in this world that cares about love for the sake of love? The only person that knows that love and the embrace of a relationship is solely based on the idea out of a desire for the wellbeing of another? The next woman who says they love me I will emediatly stop in mid sentence and ask her what she defines love as, because if she thinks love is this fucking happy feeling inside of her, or some selfish bullshit that will destroy me instead of embrace the strength of our mutual interests for the wellbeing for each other she will be nothing but trouble.

I just want someone to care when I love them, fuck. Life is short why don’t people fucking love each other? If Leah or I passed tomorrow how many regrets would we have? How lonely is this world because of shit like this!? Does she not get it? Does anybody get it. At the very least I wish I was used to being stomped on by now but when someone lets you know that they feel over a year of your love, concern, praise and support was completely in vain, either because they believe it or because they know that it’s the last thing they can say to hurt you it really shakes your world and makes you realize how delusional some people are.

I have said earlier I have lost faith in love but the one good thing that came out of this was that I know how much love is worth it. Because it isn’t until a catalyst this drastic comes that I can see without having to try to piece together Leah’s ambiguous actions that she flat out didn’t know what love was, it wasn’t that her love for me hurt and love conceptually is in vain, it’s simply that from day one I was confusing her support and love for me with a sort of “Thank You” appreciation for how I make her feel. That’s why when shit hit the fan and she didn’t feel so good I became her figurehead for the problem, she wouldn’t accept my support and interest in solving her angst because she never realized that is the largest strength of all. You only truly know who loves you when shit hits the fan, because they are the people who look past the problem to the people, they are the people who realize one day we will all be dead, to quote the dalai lama like I always do,

"Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days. An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend -- or a meaningful day." – Dalai Lama

I know it doesn’t apply as much as I would like but whatever. It’s the difference between loving someone else and loving yourself. Both ways the people usually feel as if they love someone but in the later they just never knew what love is.

Oh well, life goes on. I think I needed a catalyst like this to truly come to terms with the idea that Leah can never be someone who can be embraced in a healthy and loving dimension because what she knows of love is only destructive. Plus it forces me to move on because I have a bad habit of having too much patience wanting to help the people I care about even if they never cared about me to begin with.

"When you have once known the glow of true happiness on the face of a beloved person, you know that a man can have no vocation but to awaken that light on the faces surrounding him; and you are torn by the thought of the unhappiness and night you cast, by the mere fact of living, in the hearts you encounter." -Albert Camus

despondent_echo @ 2006-04-08T02:24:00

2006-04-08T09:24:44Z

I feel caged, but I assume we all do in one way or another. My only solace is Friday night when I go to a bar and drink with a friend. A friend who is moving soon. I am not necessarily full of myself but I appreciate who I am and realize that I have a lot to offer people. When groups form I seem to be the person people are interested in but… well, I have no friends who haven’t moved away. I have one friend now and soon to be none.

I know I shouldn’t obsess about something like this…

Long story short I want a friend that lives by me, that’s all. I’m drunk so Im gonna go sleep and talk to megan.

Hurray for optimism

2006-04-03T04:34:32Z

Don’t count your eggs before they hatch.

I feel lonely and discouraged. My last friend is moving in about a month, I feel cursed. Every friend I have ever had has or will be moving away soon. I just wish I had a good friend that lived close to me, it takes so much of my emotional energy to connect with people who I can’t physically be near.

I have no one again.

alcohol night

2006-04-01T10:16:58Z

I hate women sometimes. I am not going to generalize all women because that is not the kind of person I am and I love many women and women are great hurray. However there are a lot of women (as there are men) that are assholes. I was at a bar tonight (Yes I have been drinking) having a good time and this chick spilled her drink on the seat I was sitting on. We all jumped up and I was pretty wet. After all was said and done she suggested I should buy her a drink, since she spilled hers. I paused. Shouldn’t you buy ME a drink? Etc etc. She walked away and her gay friend was sayin some shit like she was close to him or something like that was supposed to make me go “OH YOU TWO ARE CLOSE!? WELL THEN LET ME BUY HER A DRINK!” I went out back where she was and she came up to me again and talked to me for a second and then convinced me to buy her a drink. Yes I know, but I figured I’d buy her a drink we would talk or something and have a good time hurray … I honestly don’t know what I was thinking but when I get drunk I am the nicest drunk you would ever meet and I just want to buy everyone drinks. So I bought it for her. She took it, sat down somewhere by herself in a way that continued to promote no interest in me and pretty much that was it. I thought to myself. “Fuck her” and walked away. Either way I don’t mind too much, I told her she owed me a drink next time I saw her, she agreed because I probably wont see her again. But I don’t mind too much, I mean yea I am kinda frustrated because of the principle of the thing but if I made her night any better or something then so be it… if anything I feel sorry for someone for taking conscious advantage of someone, she will probably feel bad and if not she probably lives a very sad life… We are all in the same shithole.

Then luke and us all went to a dance club. It was pretty fun since I was drunk but I got a feeling of high school dance shallow anxiety and confused exchanges of sexually charged interest. It was pretty immature and stupid. But after realizing that, and in my drunken stupor dancing in itself was pretty fun. I just got my enthusiastic groove on and moseyed through the groups of uncomfortable fucks. Not to sound insensitive or something. I had a pretty good time and I hope to go again to be honest. Dancing drunk is pretty fun heh.

Luke was with a chick he knows who came down from Oregon to visit. He and her are basically trying a friends with benefits thing which in his position isn’t healthy. Long story short there was a little drama the night was getting stupid and I left… theres more but you won’t care, cus I didn’t. Regardless I feel really bad for Luke, he is in a horrible position, he isn’t experienced with relationships and he is just hurting himself. I wish there was something I could do but it’s hard to tell a friend who is ignorant about relationships “HEY FIND A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE THAT DOESN’T FUCK WITH YOU!”

I had an all right night though… I guess. It’s nice to drink some and unwind, and think about your life a little.

I always psycho analyze people when I am drunk at bars and I realize how much better off I am then them. So many of them like that chick that played me are going to bars because they really don’t have anything in their life that satisfies them or they aspire for but then again I am the same, I just feel as if they are lost and go to bars to ignore the problem while I go to bars for the experience. So many bar rats are just sitting there vegetating pouring alcohol into them while I walk around and get to know everyone… most of which are just sad lost, lonely people.

Speaking of loneliness I am very lonely. My only friend up here is going to move soon. Then I will be all alone. I talked to Leah and we have established that we still want to be friends but that is only to the extent that our neurosis will allow which will most likely never be to the extent that we are really friends.
Megan really doesn’t seem to be doing good either and we are supporting each other and are realizing that we are the only people who haven’t abandoned each other. I am very blessed that I have her support and love. I hope we both can figure out mediums to find happiness in the future, I feel I am at a turning point right now and I am just trying to find which direction to turn.

I am still trying so hard to determine what I want. I’ll figure it out I guess. I just want someone to support and love me and be near me, who I mutually respect, appreciate and also support…. In a romantic way…. Which is unhealthy so I don’t know if I want it. Ah the wonderful paradox of desire, dependency and happiness.

A nice change of scenery

2006-03-27T09:18:43Z

I’ve reaffirmed a few things about life recently.

We live in a beautiful world however many of us drive our lives on very sad principles that only serve to hurt us. The value we place on both ourselves and the appreciation for our life is often based on very empty and material forms. From all forms of mediums we are told, from childhood, that there are people with jobs that make lots of money who live in nice houses and these people all get together smiling and laughing as they walk around together enjoying life. Many of us picture groups of people in the world who have a complete sense of belonging and happy lives and we see ourselves as the victims of loneliness. We may even see people in our lives project happiness and become envious. While we ourselves try to project the same image to the world so that we are accepted.

It is an art to be truly satisfied with life. I see many people in life that I respect for their achievements. I know I am not alone when I become a little envious of them because of this, assuming that their success in life and the personality they project brings a multitude of social embrace and a bounty of belonging acceptance and contentment.

In reality many of these “accomplishments” are only motivated by the struggle for belonging and contentment, and the value I place in these achievements are hallow and inbred into me as much as it was them at an early age. Many people continue to perpetuate material values that go against their cause; at an early age we are taught to embrace the very things that pull us apart, in turn degrading our value of life.

In retrospect I am very blessed, as are many of us. I have very few friendships that are truly and completely satisfying but it is much more then many people have. “I once complained I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet.” Perpetuating my need for acceptance by feeling as if I am a victim of loneliness as many people do only serves to distance oneself from everyone else, in turn perpetuating suffering and loneliness.

So all in all I had a good time in Sacramento. I have even more of an appreciation for the bond between friends and loved ones and the importance of providing light to those close to us. We are all alone in one way or another and one of the biggest blessings we have in life is the compassion and affection of those close to us.

"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion."
~ HH The Dalai Lama

So that was my rant. It doesn’t feel as constructive written as it does in my head but then again I seem to be having a difficult time organizing my thoughts in general recently let alone on a piece of paper.

On a similar note it is clear Leah has no interest in talking to me, responding to my friendship with complete indifference without even paying me the respect of a goodbye. The final way for her to hurt me.

I still can’t help but look past all the hurt and feel so sorry for her. I know I am not the only one she has pushed away, and I can only hope that somehow someone can bless the loneliness she perpetuates in her life in such a way that she will free herself from such shackles. I am sorry for the way she treated me not only for the pain it caused in me but more so because she responded to my love with an abrasive wall, and the last thing I could want for anyone is to have to experience the isolation something like that has to cause. I only hope it was a fault of my own and she won’t have to feel like this in the future.

I get the impression from everyone that when someone is in my situation they “should” shut out the pain with intolerance and shut out the person creating the problem. But it’s not true. Intolerance and uncompassionate attitudes are the source of many of these problems in the first place. Compassion is not my weakness it is my strength. Instead of hindering, it promotes other people’s right to happiness.

It's time to worry about myself.

2006-03-12T10:25:40Z

Life is so confusing right now. I need to stop everything that clouds my mind, alcohol, public esteem, sexual desire, non sustainable self fulfillment in general, fear of change, bitterness, fear of love, fear of the past repeating itself, self-doubt, and so many other things that all intertwine into a stagnant wall for my own sustainable satisfaction.

Tonight I went out drinking again, I didn’t have that great of a night, not much happened and Luke wasn’t really feeling like having a good time so we just went back to his house and me and a few of his friends just sat in chairs drinking and watching a movie... Later I drove home and I realized how confused I am in my life right now. I am so empty and lost right now. I don’t know what is out there that doesn’t hurt. I don’t know what I care about and what is worth believing in again. I’m just so lost. I need to stop those things that cloud my mind because I need to find myself again, remember who I am, what the world is really about and what is worth fighting for, because what I have always been fighting for has been thrown back in my face. I need to either remember why I am treading forward or find another route to take.

I feel so unintelligent right now, I have never not been in complete control of how I feel, what I want, and what to try to get there. I feel like I am starting over with myself.

Luke is moving in august. I am now completely alone in the place I have been born and raised.

Almost everyone I have ever cared about has left me. I have my blessings but I have many obstacles for me to overcome.

despondent_echo @ 2006-03-11T04:03:00

2006-03-11T12:03:12Z

In my life I have been able to identify that there are endless types of love to experience but it isn’t until recently that I have been able to truly be able to contrast and compare two very common differences that are very hard to identify within peoples relationships, even when you are a member within them. One type of love is a love that’s motive is solely motivated for self satisfaction. A love of love in a way that is self fulfilling, as in “I am happy because I am loved.” This type of love can be seen as selfish as its intent is focused on self fulfillment. While any other kind of love works on the premise of self satisfaction this type of love is perpetuated by the requirement for self fulfillment. This type of love is non-sustainable and will eventually collapse when waters become tough to tread and you have no interest how a situation effects your significant other past that which effects your own wellbeing. The other type of love is a love out of admiration and appreciation; a genuine love of another being. This type of love promotes a bonding of two individuals and the strength of a true friendship. A compromising situation creates mutual concern for the other’s wellbeing in addition to each individual wishing for their own wellbeing. Thus not only providing an increased amount of strength in each others ability to overcome hardship but a closer bonding between two individuals who can rely on each other to tread across future problems when they arise.

This is a very simple explanation that is obvious that differentiates the difference between “I love you” and “I love myself.” However while this concept seems obvious many of us suffer from situations where we want to get angry or alienate our significant other because we want to feel a certain way, when in reality it is often that alienation we create by doing that that brings us in the exact opposite direction.

I recommend evaluating your relationships with everyone in your life, find out if they love you or you are just an addiction to boost them. Even in the most close relationships it is sometimes hard to define this line.

Well enough of my ranting.
The last week was very enjoyable and I just reaffirmed how much of a positive element of my life Megan is to me and how blessed I am to have her support in anything I choose or value in life. Tonight I went out with Luke and had a little party at his place. We just kind of hung out, drank, and tried to play some party games but the variation in alcohol levels of people were so wide that we all weren’t really getting into the groove of things. Nate’s (an old friend who moved) girlfriend started crying because she is really going through a hard time in her life and Luke and I, (Mainly Luke because her and I aren’t that close) went for a walk and talked it out with her. Poor girl, she’s going through so much shit right now. After we took her home me and Luke went to a bar and had a really good time. We ended up being social whores and just talking with everyone. This one crazy SMOKIN’ hot drunk chick started hitting on me, was all over & kissing me, we talked awhile then Luke saved me because he knows I really don’t need a bar ho right now. Nevertheless I gave her my number and although she wont, that’d be cool if she called cus although drunk as hell she sounded pretty intellectual and interesting; masters degree, world traveler, etc…. hey, a date never hurt.

Me and Luke ended up with these other two chicks. Long story short it was awkward, Luke was interested in this one girl, who… well, I don’t think was very interested in him, and her friend was really interested in me… who well, I wasn’t really interested in. It was like a triangle of incompatibility. It was weir
When the bar closed the chick I wasn’t interested in asked what we were doing afterward…. And I was like “Uh… I think were spent tonight.” Even though we were going to Denny’s. So we went to Denny’s … and they were there…. AWKWARD. I made up an excuse we sat with them and had an ok time.

So… yea. It was a great night all in all, good experiences all around. I look forward to going back tomorrow and hitting on the other chick I’m pretty sure is a lesbian… again. I’m becoming a bar rat.

I’m also going to Sacramento for spring break. It should be fun. Leah, I and Luke were going to go traveling but… well… It seems like Leah just doesn’t even want to associate with me or something. Short phone conversations and just a sense of no interest. She said she made prior engagements she forgot about for spring break and hasn’t returned my calls so I assume she just doesn’t care or want to talk to me. I hope she enjoys her spring break nevertheless, and hope she actually has something to look forward to. We have a couple friends who will also be joining the fun spring break so it looks like I am going to have a good time after all.

All in all I am doing pretty good. I’m still trying to nurse my values in love but I’m optimistic and I’m doing pretty well.

despondent_echo @ 2006-03-04T02:43:00

2006-03-04T10:43:17Z

I met a couple chicks tonight and… ummm… a dude  I went to some local concert with Luke, he knows a guy in one of the bands so he was like “hey come with me.” We didn’t know it was an all ages concert which around here means 13-19 year old concert. Seriously felt like high school, people were all self conscious and high school dorky. So we left, got some beer, drank it, came back, and apparently alcohol fixed the problem and we were dancing around with the high school kids in unity as one huge ball of … stupid. But we had a good time. Some chick (Who wasn’t in high school) started hitting on me cus we totally knew each other from somewhere but couldn’t figure it out, she gave me the “hey now that we have introduced each other, engage in a conversation or ask to hang out or something” kind of thing afterwards by hanging around me. But I wasn’t really to into her so I passed and instead of inviting her, me and Luke went to a bar, later Luke got angry cus he wanted her to come or something. Met some chick at the bar who I totally freaking knew, we kind of chatted for awhile and she had to go so… well she went, I’m pretty sure she was a lesbian but she’s cool as hell anyway. Then this gay guy started talking to me… I hate that I am so expressive when I talk, I don’t freaking even sound gay but apparently personal expression = gay. For fuck sake I’m Italian I talk with my hands. Well anyway he introduced himself to me in a “IF YOUR GAY WE CAN BE FRIENDS” kind of way.

No numbers were exchanged or anything but then again I’m kind of glad … because I really don’t like to get into anything unless I am sure… especially now I feel a little more hesitant of my future relationships and no one really striked my interest.

It was a nice night in exercising the rejuvenation of my self confidence however… even if a guy hit on me… and the only woman I was interested in I’m pretty sure was a lesbian. Oh well.

Ps Excuse this post, I have been drinking.

despondent_echo @ 2006-03-02T01:10:00

2006-03-02T09:10:18Z

I’m kinda bummed out. Megan and her boyfriend aren’t doing good and I think they are breaking up. It just makes me sad because they seemed like they could be so happy together. I hope they work out for the best regardless of what happens. I am also bummed out because I have never known anyone to not really appreciate me and now it seems Leah doesn’t want to even be friends anymore.

The last time we hung out I started thinking how much I wish we could hang out more and how I feel sad that we were becoming distant and she could read something was bothering me. When she asked I told her as kindly as I could that I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t because I knew she would get upset if I talked about emotions in our relationship. But that didn’t help because she got upset that I didn’t want to talk about it. She looked at me the same way she has many times when I am depressed with a combined look of frustration, disgust and offense, as if I feel the way I do intentionally to hurt her. As her frustration peaked and I drove her back to her car she got out and stomped to her car and drove away. I called to try to sort things out, but nothing changed, the conversation basically concluded with her reiterating that the problem is caused because my feelings are problematic and we have spoke seldom since. One of the last times I talked to Leah and felt like she genuinely cared about me we were on the phone and she told me she wanted so hard to stop all of this because she didn’t want to loose me. I hope she is doing well and that she can find someone to bring her some amount of happiness I not only couldn’t but couldn’t even identify how to fix whatever made her so unsatisfied and bitter towards me.

On a lighter note a friend of mine from school is having a big party on Saturday and a couple of friends are getting together to watch a band my friend knows play on Friday. I’m looking forward to all that. Plus there is a girl in one of my classes who seems to have possibly stricken a mutual interest with me. We’ll see how that goes, probably nowhere.

“You want to take away from me
Things that are mine and it's not your right
I'll bet you wouldn't expect a fight, oh
Can it be that I don't want what you want?
And the only thing I could care for
Is a place in a home that is safe and warm
Safe and warm, safe and warm, safe and warm
Safe and warm.

Judge yourself if you feel the need
Just let me alone to be
In search of the truth myself
There is a drop of blood on the ground
And it seems to me that it's not my kind
And I can't be sure if it's yours or mine

I am as ugly as I seem
Worse than all your dreams
Could ever make me
Could ever make me
Could ever make me” ~Jack White

despondent_echo @ 2006-02-25T02:52:00

2006-02-25T10:53:52Z

Hmm getting hit on by a chick your friend likes while your friend is there... awkward.
I was gonna write more but I just lost all interest in writing.

despondent_echo @ 2006-02-23T01:19:00

2006-02-23T09:36:14Z

Not doing too good. Missed registration for an entrepreneur competition I have put much effort and thought into over the last 6 months.
My actions involuntarily hurt Leah, Leah’s actions involuntarily hurt me. The solution is understanding, patience and compassion, which I can never see us mutually embracing. So we aren’t talking… again. I tell her how I feel she gets hurt and angry, I don’t tell her how I feel she gets hurt and angry. It seems once again she doesn't like the person I am. I wish I were someone she enjoyed but I can’t sacrifice another part of myself to maintain our friendship. And to think, the last time she did this she didn't talk to me for a week, and when she did she yelled at me. She didn't return my worried calls that something had happened to her. I drove by her house twice to make sure she was there, and then to see if she went to work the next day to make sure she wasn't dead. She knew by not talking to me my worry for her caused me suffering. And she still didn't call me. That's old news, but it is a symbol for how fucking used and stomped on I am. It's so easy for her to turn her pain to anger and just shut me out, this time she wins, if that's what she wants I'll let her.

On a lighter note me and Luke went out drinking. Saw a pretty good band from Idaho. We’re probably gonna start bar hopping more often to wherever the music scene happens to be that night. I look forward to how easy it is to meet women but hesitant because a bar ho is the last thing I need in my life right now.

Sorry Megan, I only drank two pints if that counts for anything.

I know she is out there somewhere...

2006-02-21T09:44:53Z

Irony. The world around me seems so happy recently, most everyone seems so satisfied right now besides me. Many are in beautiful relationships. I am not really envyous but it just seems like a kick in the face when the few people who are interested in me are either geographically nowhere near me, or I don't find their personality attractive or there is some other reason hindering any posibility of romance.

I just watched 40 year old virgin with my friends. My comedy is very critical and this was funny as hell. Then again I had some drinks before hand. While were talking about sex am I the only man who consideres 2 hour minimum sex to be normal or at least a good standard for satisfying sex? ...just a conversation I had with friends recently, I need some good, prolonged, fun, loud, overwealming sex. On a compleatly unrelated note, I get my first car tomarrow hurray. 2003 mustang baby.

Frusterations:
Lack of companionship,
Lack of security,
Schoolwork,
Lack of organization,
Business work
I feel overweight

Reliefs:
Friends,
Alcohol,
Staying busy,
Owning my first car,
Megan is coming to visit yay,
Self confidence,
I have a kind, caring personality

I need to meet more fucking women...

despondent_echo @ 2006-02-17T01:02:00

2006-02-17T09:02:08Z

I pretty much just had a horrible day. I don't want to talk about it.

Oh well.